Naturally, I would like to think that women would want to place me in that category of a great guy, at least that is what my mother raised me to be. So out of desperation to save what was being declared as a dying race, my survival instincts kicked in and I started building the case for myself and the hundreds of other great guys in Springfield.
Convinced that numbers wasn't the problem, the mathematician inside of me began to ask the why questions, and in a very cause and effect approach I landed on the thought, "maybe she (and others like her) just doesn't know where to look". Let me pause here for a second before I get myself in too much trouble. This conversation began in a very friendly environment and I afford nothing but respect to the women out there who might be reading this thought. I don't pretend to be an expert on this subject. But this is my blog...and so these are just my thoughts as they fall on the screen.
The first point that came to my mind was what I will call:
- Be comfortable in your own skin
This is a phrase that I should credit to my friend John. He was talking to me when he said it, but it's relevance here seems to fit. Now, when talking about how to find a great guy, I would only assume that we are talking about finding the one that you can grow old with. So I think we can assume a lot of things based on that premise. In order to find that great relationship that fills your every thought with joy, I think you first have to start with yourself. To find your match, you must first know who you are and what you stand for. An analogy...as a daddy to a four-year-old, I can't tell you how many times I have played the Dora match game. You lay out all the cards face down and try to find all the matches. In order to find the match, you must first know what you are matching. In a relationship, if you do not know who you are first, then how can you expect to find your match? Trust me, the idea that you can change someone or that you will change for someone is not the best start to finding that great guy!
Insecurity and uncertainty can drive away any great guy. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who can walk confidently in the room and yet also maintain a balanced level of humility in the way she treats others. Insecurity can also leave those intimate and physical moments in a relationship soured with disappointment. Don't let that be the focus of your pillow talk.
The next part to this point I think is equally important. Hear me out on this one. Your great guy will not, and cannot fulfill every need that you possibly have or will have. He was not made to do that. That is why it is so important for you to be comfortable in your own skin. You have to be your own person...and let your relationship be the union of two distinct and yet very well balanced people. So finding a great guy does not mean finding a perfect guy. He does not exist! Don't put all of these unrealistic expectations on him that you yourself cannot fill. Learn to forgive his mistakes, and cherish the things he does well. I'm not trying to excuse the obvious here. But if you are focused on your purpose in life, then you will be less focused on his purpose in life...that is for him to decide. And let me say...with caution...that his purpose in life is not to fulfill your every need or desire. Now...any true gentleman will try to do this. It is our human nature to protect and provide for the ones we love. But the more that we can accept the fact that we alone cannot do this, the more time we will have to focus on the things that we can do.
I'm going to stop there for now. My next point another time. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. If it strikes a chord with you then send it to your friends and let me know what you are thinking.
2 comments:
I agree with your "brilliant thoughts." A person's true match, if you will, should be someone who compliments them (no, not the gushing you're so wonderful kind of compliments, but those are nice too:-) - the whole ying/yang thing. Did I spell that right?
Your own happiness comes from within – not from the world or from other people.
I tend to think a large number of people have unrealistic expectations, or possibly no expectations at all, as opposed to knowing much about what they want, or for that matter, who they really are. And, I would go a bit further to say that for most people most of this comes with time, age, maturity and experience. Sometimes you don't realize you like something until you've tried it/or it's gone. What’s the old saying – you don’t miss what you never had? Seems like lots of people “settle”…whether they know it or not at first…
I equate the land of relationships to a career --- it usually takes a few career moves to really know how to navigate your job/career, etc. For instance - I wouldn't do well stuck inside an office all day every day. I need to have diversity of projects. I need to leave the office and meet with people. I need background music. I need color and light. I operate best autonomously - give me a goal, minor direction and turn me loose. I can function on a team, but don’t like endless meetings. However, while others may have seen that in me even from an early age it usually takes us awhile to learn about ourselves. And, in doing so we can make mistakes - take a job that doesn't fit us - move somewhere or work for a boss that drives us crazy or makes us lonely. After a couple of these career turns we figure ourselves out and know better how to proceed.
Relationships are kinda the same way. We’re raised with certain values, morals and beliefs then the rest of the world begins its’ influence. We learn. We explore. We sometimes try new things – meet people who test, challenge and even influence who we become along the way. These can be positive or negative. All growing experiences nonetheless. Through these changes and challenges as we become adults we can sometimes make less than quality choices in our dating life. Either we lack confidence, are too confident, don’t have good family or friend support, or maybe we just don’t see ourselves the way others do, because in life a person is often their own worst critic. Some people call themselves “bad pickers.” I know I am famous for really bad timing. Whatever it is, my belief is that while a good relationship takes some effort, it shouldn’t be hard work. You have to value the same things and have similar beliefs on basic stuff like faith, children, finances, career, family, where you want to live, etc. to give yourself a shot. Passion is also a necessity. This person should be best friend material, but not someone you see more like a brother/sister – sort of impedes having a fulfilling sex life.
With all that said…There are quality women, but no perfect women either and it seems like so many guys are looking for their version of Barbie. Not to sound nuts or anything, but even several of my guy friends tend to pick young girls with jobs like waitress/nail tech who are cute and teeny and have very little higher education and these guys have masters degrees! They go on a short series of dates and just can’t figure out why it didn’t work?? Seriously. The experience many of us females of at least average or slightly above average intelligence have had here in Springfield is that most of the guys we’ve met, who at least on paper or by profession seem intelligent, don’t actually want to date (who’s even talking about marriage) someone as smart, or heaven forbid smarter than them? Someone who wants to share in decisions? Doesn’t always let them pick everything or win every debate. Someone who wants to be a true partner – an equal. That’s a good balance. Seems like arm candy or some female in distress that they can rescue and feel all manly are the two primary dating categories for many men in this area. I’m all for the man feeling manly, but I’m not incompetent either, again seems like a balance would be good.
Now – where is it exactly that you think us girls should be looking to find our Mr. Wonderful?
And, I did just recently meet a really cool guy I would put in the great guy category. At least so far…we’ll see what his next blog says. ☺
Enough rambling…
I have so many thoughts on this subject that rather than start a rambling response with no coherent organization, I think I'll share just a bit about how I met my wife in college:
The first couple years of school I thought a lot about meeting "the right one" and although I did not believe in traditional dating, I did hang out with a lot of different groups and routinely went to dances with "dates". This approach led me to some of my best friends in school who happened to be female.
It was only after I became completely at ease with myself - confident in who I was and what God was doing in my life that I did meet that special someone.
Of course this sounds cliche to some - and there's no pat answer that applies to all, but I do believe there are some nuggets of truth in my story.
1. How can someone else get to know the real you when you don't project the "real" you?
2. You only start projecting the real you when you are comfortable with who you are and what your life is all about.
3. Being a Christian, I believe that a key part of #1 and #2 is developing your relationship with your Creator. After all, we are hi s creation and who would know us better?
One last point that I think is so common sense, we often overlook it:
We may make fun of the dating site, eharmony.com (or at least their commercials) but when you think about it...what better way to find your "match" than finding someone who feels the same way about much of life as you? Obviously I'm not talking about having no disagreements or arguments, but I'm talking about the 'non-negotiables' in your life.
And while I'm a big believer in attraction, I think too much emphasis is placed on it. Oftentimes if a couple took a step back and viewed their non-negotiables, they would realize that problems lie ahead.
Let's face it, we are attracted to way more people than we would actually want to spend the rest of our lives with.
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