Can men and women be friends?

This question was raised in the 1989 film, When Harry Met Sally. Today we ask it again. Can men and women be friends? Here is my short answer. Yes...as long as they both realize and accept that the friendship will evolve as life circumstances change. We could leave it at that and move on to the next topic, but we would miss out on all of the good stuff that I know we really want to talk about anyway. So let me go ahead and give you my long answer.

When we say that a man and woman become friends, I think we are able to fit that friendship into three categories.

1. They are both attracted to each other
2. One is attracted to the other, but not both
3. Neither is attracted the other

Let me also further define what I mean by "attraction". For this purpose we are talking about physical attraction exclusively. We have already established that there is a friendship, so by definition we can assume that this couple enjoys each other's company and desires to spend time together. So now we can look at the affects that each of these categories has on the relationship.

1. If both are attracted to each other then there will almost always be that time when they "hook up". Sometimes this turns into the "friends with benefits". For whatever reason, the couple determines that they are better off as friends. This obviously creates issues within the relationship and boundaries will need to be defined as the friendship develops.

2. If only one is attracted to the other then there is great potential for that person to get hurt, even unintentionally. There will always be that remnant of hope that things could change within the relationship. More often than not, it won't change and the success of the relationship will be balanced on the no-nonsense communication that is shared.

3. If by chance neither person finds the other physically attractive, then the relationship is free to grow, void of the poisons of lust. I would venture to say that these are the relationships that are the healthiest and most carefree.

Having said all this...I think the most crucial part in the entire relationship is having the understanding that things will (and should) change as soon as one gets involved with another person. Again, I am talking about friendships that are more than just casual acquaintances. One of the most dangerous things in a dating or married relationship is jealousy. Your partner should be the one you choose to spend the most time with. He/she should be your top priority. In fact, I know many couples who have established boundaries within the relationship making time alone with someone from the opposite sex a no no. For them, it is not about lack of trust. Rather, it is about carefully guarding the relationship and strengthening the level of commitment to each other. I believe that those boundaries can only be defined by the couple. But I do believe that in most relationships, if not all, the opposite sex friendships have evolved into something new at this point.

For our friends, Harry and Sally...well, they realized that their friendship was all they needed in life. In fact, I don't think they could have lived without each other. Which reminds me...my friend John once said that to find someone who you could live with is one thing, but to find someone who you cannot live without...well, that is love.

filling in the gaps

Have you ever noticed that when you first meet someone you process everything you know about that person and then you fill in the gaps with what you hope they could be? Then slowly as you get to know them more, you replace those assumptions with actual characteristics. I think that is what makes meeting someone such an exciting experience, because for the first few moments, they can be the most exciting person you have ever met. More often than not, though, those gaps are filled quickly with unmet expectations and the adrenaline rush that you first felt fades into disappointment and soon becomes the dream that the perfect someone for you is still out there waiting to be discovered.

I think there are two types of people, the optimist who fills the gaps with hope, and the pessimist who fills the gaps with skepticism. Some people may say that the optimists are foolish, allowing themselves to be hurt and revealing too much of themselves. Some people may say that the pessimists are are cold, destroying the relationship with doubt before it ever has a chance to begin. I'm an optimist.

So what does this say about love? How do you know if someone you meet has the potential to steal your heart away? Maybe you know when the gaps keep getting filled with more and more favorable things. Maybe there is no way of knowing until it happens...until you wake up one morning and you say to yourself, "I want to grow old with this person." If I could predict that, then Hollywood would be paying me lots of money to bottle it and sell it on the big screen. I think there is hope inside all of us, optimist and pessimist alike. I think deep down inside beneath all the layers, everyone wants to hold onto the thought that there is someone out there whose gaps are never soured and whose presence fills your heart with joy. I think you have to put yourself out there and allow yourself to be revealed and to allow that other person to be exactly who they are. Not a remnant of your past where experience tarnished one of those gaps to be filled.

So until I wake up that one fine day, I'm going to hold on to the dream and let the gaps be filled with hope. How do you fill the gaps?

The one thing that every man needs most

I bet you thought I was going to say sex. While that is funny and probably a close second, that is not the thing that every man needs most. Any other guesses? The answer...respect. The number one thing you can do to show your man that you need him and that you value him is to respect him. Men operate based on the level of respect they are afforded. I liken it to a car that needs oil. Well lubed, everything fires on all cylinders. But let it get dry and things start to overheat and friction builds up.

Men are performance driven. Whether it is at home or at work, a man's self worth is measured by his success in life. While success can be defined in many different ways, one thing holds true. The feeling of success can be strengthened by the amount of support a man is given.

Men are, by design, made to be the leader in the family. In general, men are bigger, faster, stronger, louder, and most of the time more obnoxious than women. It is only natural that a man feels drawn to lead. This does not mean that women are unable to lead in the family, nor does it mean that a man should lead with force or with arrogance. I believe that a great leader is one who practices humility and who leads with a servant's heart (i.e. Jesus washing his disciples feet; and the level 5 leader as defined by Jim Collins in Good to Great). Rather, this means that it is only instinctive that men serve in a leadership role, and with that leadership the feeling of respect is needed.

So what does this mean to you women who are smarter, and probably more qualified, to lead in the family. That is harder to answer, but I would say that your job would start by learning how to equip your man to lead. Have you ever heard the saying, behind every great man there is a great woman. I know this is going to sound so typical, but let me use a football analogy. While the quarterback is the face man and leader of the team, he is certainly not the only valuable person on the team. If his receivers failed to run their routes, completions would not be made. If his linemen failed to block, he would never get a pass off. All other 10 positions on the field are equally important as the quarterback, and each position should be given 100% effort for the team to succeed.

To equip your leader, you must first respect him. By doing this, you are giving him the opportunity to earn that respect.

how to find a great guy - part 3

6. Always be honest

What is up with people who don't know how to be real, upfront, and honest about themselves! Let me tell you one way to absolutely lose that great guy...mislead him. Too many people like to play games. Great guys are no longer interested in games. They have reached that point of being comfortable in their own skin so they know exactly what they are looking for in life. The beginning of any relationship where trust is optional, is the beginning of the end.

It is important to understand that brutal honesty does not mean that you must have a perfect past to win him over. No one has a perfect past. The past is what we had to get through in order to be who we are today. A candid approach to our past establishes understanding and trust.

7. Try to avoid dating an old friend

The power of attraction goes a long way. I would say that 9 times out of 10, relationships are born out of immediate attraction. Now...there are certainly exceptions that trump this rule, such as in the case where the two of you were not single upon first meeting. However, I would say that most of the time if the sparks don't fly when you first meet someone then it will be harder to establish that connection after you have seasoned the friendship. It seems to me that you start to force the issue at this point. While it is true that you can have great guy friends, our interest here is not in finding great friends...it is finding that great guy that you can grow old with.

8. Know where to look

I bet you are expecting me to drop the bomb now. Is it at the library, at church, at my local coffee shop? Maybe at the committee meeting of super involved singles united dot com. The answer is none of these. If you set out looking for him, then you will be forcing it to happen. Your great guy is out there, but you will find him when you least expect it. How cliche does that sound? But if you really think about it...it's true. I learned a short time ago that you cannot will something to happen. Much of life is outside of our control. Oh I suppose that you can go to one of those online dating sites, but those places are just as full of desperate, impatient people as the real world. So what makes the cyber world any better?

You don't have to start turning over every stone you encounter. He is out there, and when you find him you will know...because you will be willing to turn your life upside down to be with him. And he will be willing to turn his life upside down to be with you.

how to find a great guy - part 2

To continue this thought, I will begin with point 2:

2. Know your network

Not only does this have to start with the successful implementation of point 1, be comfortable in your own skin, but it truly reinforces the application of it. Your network of friends, coworkers, family, etc...is your ticket to better odds. Imagine trying to do alone what 50 or more could do more effectively. These are the match-makers. And let's be honest, there are at least a dozen of your friends out there who would love nothing more than to set you up with that great guy. But how can they successfully do that, if you have not mastered step 1? Know who you are...and be who you are, at all times. You, your friends, and everyone else will know exactly who your match is (or at least get close trying). The odds are better, and the success is surely higher. However, I must admit that I have seen devastation occur in the match-making process. If this occurs then I would suggest re-evaluating your friends list.

3. Give a little of yourself to others

It is truly better to give than to receive. Why is this important and how is this relevant to finding that great guy? Everyone gravitates to givers. The takers and the givers both want to be around people who are generous towards others. It is this "others first and me last" mentality that draws people towards you. Practice it and master it.

4. Practice your kissing

Use your arm if you have to. The first kiss is the road map for how the rest of the relationship is going to go. Too sloppy suggests that you are out of control and have no real direction in life. Too aggressive warns him that you are overpowering and controlling. Too soft means that you lack desire or self confidence. Too short tells him that you lack passion and romance. But the right balance of sweetness and desire lets him know that passion will never be a problem in this relationship. The kiss is one of the most deliberate and intimate acts in romance.

5. Let him pay the bill

Sure, this is the 21st century and the age of women's lib. But men are still made out of the same mould. We are providers by nature. We come in all shapes and sizes, but every man has an innate desire to feel needed and to feel respected. Let him be that man, and show him how much you need him. I promise that greatness will follow.

how to find a great guy

I am beginning this thought without too much predetermined direction. Perhaps by the end, there will be some sort of coherent conclusion. It began with a conversation I was having with a friend who exclaimed that this town just didn't have an abundance of great guys to choose from. Her being single and well-established in life, I could sense the frustration in her voice. Being newly single myself and over 30 now, deep concern began to grow inside of me. Was she right?

Naturally, I would like to think that women would want to place me in that category of a great guy, at least that is what my mother raised me to be. So out of desperation to save what was being declared as a dying race, my survival instincts kicked in and I started building the case for myself and the hundreds of other great guys in Springfield.

Convinced that numbers wasn't the problem, the mathematician inside of me began to ask the why questions, and in a very cause and effect approach I landed on the thought, "maybe she (and others like her) just doesn't know where to look". Let me pause here for a second before I get myself in too much trouble. This conversation began in a very friendly environment and I afford nothing but respect to the women out there who might be reading this thought. I don't pretend to be an expert on this subject. But this is my blog...and so these are just my thoughts as they fall on the screen.

The first point that came to my mind was what I will call:

1. Be comfortable in your own skin

This is a phrase that I should credit to my friend John. He was talking to me when he said it, but it's relevance here seems to fit. Now, when talking about how to find a great guy, I would only assume that we are talking about finding the one that you can grow old with. So I think we can assume a lot of things based on that premise. In order to find that great relationship that fills your every thought with joy, I think you first have to start with yourself. To find your match, you must first know who you are and what you stand for. An analogy...as a daddy to a four-year-old, I can't tell you how many times I have played the Dora match game. You lay out all the cards face down and try to find all the matches. In order to find the match, you must first know what you are matching. In a relationship, if you do not know who you are first, then how can you expect to find your match? Trust me, the idea that you can change someone or that you will change for someone is not the best start to finding that great guy!

Insecurity and uncertainty can drive away any great guy. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who can walk confidently in the room and yet also maintain a balanced level of humility in the way she treats others. Insecurity can also leave those intimate and physical moments in a relationship soured with disappointment. Don't let that be the focus of your pillow talk.

The next part to this point I think is equally important. Hear me out on this one. Your great guy will not, and cannot fulfill every need that you possibly have or will have. He was not made to do that. That is why it is so important for you to be comfortable in your own skin. You have to be your own person...and let your relationship be the union of two distinct and yet very well balanced people. So finding a great guy does not mean finding a perfect guy. He does not exist! Don't put all of these unrealistic expectations on him that you yourself cannot fill. Learn to forgive his mistakes, and cherish the things he does well. I'm not trying to excuse the obvious here. But if you are focused on your purpose in life, then you will be less focused on his purpose in life...that is for him to decide. And let me say...with caution...that his purpose in life is not to fulfill your every need or desire. Now...any true gentleman will try to do this. It is our human nature to protect and provide for the ones we love. But the more that we can accept the fact that we alone cannot do this, the more time we will have to focus on the things that we can do.

I'm going to stop there for now. My next point another time. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. If it strikes a chord with you then send it to your friends and let me know what you are thinking.