Well...what are you waiting for, chicken?

We have a friend named Aaron. He has taught us all a very valuable lesson that I would like to spend some time talking about today. For you to fully understand and appreciate this story, I need to take a few moments for you to get to know Aaron. Aaron is a simple man, firm with his hand shake and quick with a joke. He is not a Matthew McCaunahay or a Brad Pitt. Aaron is intelligent, diverse in his conversations and remarkable in his speech. He knows just about everyone. His sense of confidence follows him in the room and shows in the way he dresses. Aaron is the new Patrick Dempsey maybe with a little less McDreamy. He is connected and it is by no accident. He is sincere and is comfortable in who he is. Aaron is a good friend.

This all started when we were in college. Things happened in the usual way and life was fun and full of new adventures. For most of us, when the time came to invite a young lady to spring formal or fall festival, we squirmed around and fretted over who to ask until we finally found ourselves in that awkward moment as we stumbled over our words and managed to get a date. But not Aaron. He was the first to have a date and she was always the hottest girl on campus...although he never managed to go out with the dark-haired freshman goddess. His success in landing these dates was flawless and became the talking point of many occasions. Today not much has changed except perhaps for the increased sense of respect that we all hold for Aaron. His approach seems effortless and his poise is charismatic. He is the envy of us all and we are left wondering...what is his secret?

We asked Aaron recently what force drove him to walk up to a young lady and strike up a conversation like he had been building up the nerve to do it all evening long. His answer was simple...fear. Fear is what motivates him to step out on the line, to face rejection, and to savor the successes. But it is not the fear of stepping out there; rather, it is the fear of never knowing. It is the fear of never meeting that person who, for a moment, has captured your attention and caused your heart to race. It is in that moment, Aaron says, when he asks himself which of the two fears is greater. Even now, as I sit here and think about that cute girl, I am recounting all the reasons why I should not ask her out. If only I could learn to fear the fear. I think Aaron has taught us all a valuable lesson in life, whether it be in love or business. Seize the moment and aim for greatness. Otherwise, you will just be left wondering...what if?

Don't take yourself too seriously

It occurred to me recently that perhaps the loss of compassion in America is due to many of us taking ourselves too seriously. My community, and I am sure yours is very similar, is made up of such a diverse spread of socio-economic groups. It is most easily recognized in community events such as a 4th of July firework celebration or ... church. I was sitting in my Sunday school class recently and listened to my different friends lift up praises or prayer requests. A man who had just started attending with his fiance raised his hand and shared a concern that was disturbing and yet very predictable to me. This couple is obviously very different than the average member at my church in the way that they dress, speaking in a very factual sense. He shared that while our class had given a very warm welcome to them, he felt isolated and rejected as he walked through the church corridors. Isn't it supposed to be the opposite of this in church? It is stories like this that hit me in the chest and make me realize how very real the divisions in our society can be.

As I find myself out networking in the professional world, I run across all types of people. Because of my line of work, I hit the full spectrum of these types. This exposure has really challenged me lately and I find myself questioning what it really takes to be an effective leader in my community. I see people running in their little circles and like all circles, they point inward at themselves. This is not true of all people because I know some very generous and caring people. But these are certainly the exception rather than the norm.

Why talk about this you may ask. This is by no means a new reality. It's just that I look around at all of the potential that my community holds for making a difference in people's lives, and it is often soured by inward focus and snobbery. I think we sometimes take ourselves too seriously. My problems are just as real as yours. My challenges are no more difficult than yours. They are just different. We all put our pants on one leg at a time and we all cry when we are hurt.

Humility is something we could all use more of. Whether you are a CEO, a director, a project manager, an assembly line worker, or a fry cook...are you taking yourself too seriously? Do you stop to hold the door for the person behind you, or are you above that? Do you look up to smile at the person riding the elevator with you? Do you ring the Salvation Army bell at Christmas, or would Roger from the club laugh if he saw you? I could do better at reaching out to people and letting compassion influence more of my actions. How about you?

Top 10 dates in downtown 417

Summer is here and it is the season for creative dating. So drop the remote, put on your sense of adventure, and get out there. Here are my top 10 choices for dates in downtown 417. Feel free to improvise a little and make them your own. Remember, putting a little thought in your date shows him/her that you really care.

#10. Dinner and a movie
I know it may sound a little conventional, but not when you're downtown. Start off with dinner at the Brewco. It's a fun environment and very casual. Sit upstairs or out on the patio if the weather is nice. Then walk down the street to The Moxie to catch a flic. The movie choices are a little unconventional and the theatre will definitely be a talking point. It will set this date apart from your typical run to the Olive Garden and the cinema 16. Parking is available all along Walnut street and The Moxie's website gives you some helpful parking tips. Total price: $30 for dinner and $16 for the movie.

#9. For the music lover

Up for a night of good conversation under dimly lit tables and great background music? Then this date is perfect for you. At Bijan's Sea and Grille you can turn up the charm and delight your senses with great tastes, great sounds, and great sights...including the knock-out sitting across from you! This date will challenge the conversation for first dates but is a favorite for many regulars. If the conversation starts to slide then step around the corner for some entertainment at the Dueling Piano Bar. This is best in the summer when the college crowds have faded. Grab a spot near the front and make yourself a part of the show. Total price: $60 for dinner and $20 for cover and drinks.

#8. A downtown drive-in

This can be done as a family or just the two of you. Dust your picnic basket off and fill it will your best picnic foods. Don't forget that bottle of wine that you have saved for a special occasion purchased from Vino 100. A good picnic blanket is one of the best investments you can make for such occasions. My personal favorite is my Mambe waterproof blanket. Head over to Jordan Valley Park located between Hammons Field and the Ice Park. There are plenty of spots to choose from whether it be out in the open or secluded on one of the hill sides. I would highly recommend getting online and finding the closest free public parking lot, otherwise you'll be stuck paying $5 to park near the ball field. Follow the trail just north of the Ice Park over to Jefferson Avenue which is about two blocks away. On Friday and Saturday nights in the summer you can enjoy a contemporary version of a drive-in movie at Founders Park. Movies start at sundown and complementary tickets can be picked up before hand. Otherwise it is $5 at the door. Go to http://www.itsalldown.com/ for more information. The viewing area is a collection of concrete platforms so keep that picnic blanket with you. You will enjoy snuggling under the stars as you impress your date with ingenuity and effort. Total price: $15 grocery bill.

#7. Tent Theatre

If you like theatre then you'll love the quaint feel of Missouri State's Tent Theatre. Most performances begin at 8:15 pm so you'll have time to grab a bite to eat before the show. I recommend Garbo's on National between Walnut Street and St. Louis Street. There is plenty of seating outside if the weather is nice. Total price: $30 for dinner and $26 for the show.

#6. The Flame

Go ahead...get dressed up and put on your best perfume. But if snappy-casual is not your style then worry not - this stylish downtown eatery is hip enough for jeans (but leave your t-shirt that says "You might be a redneck if..." at home). Perhaps the best steak in town, don't leave without ordering the filet. You will not be disappointed. If the conversation is going great then keep it going by walking across the street for after dinner drinks at Bijan's Under the Tower, or for a fruit alternative, grab a healthy treat at Planet Smoothie just across from the YMCA. Total price: $80 for dinner and $20 for drinks.

#5. Pizza and Mud

Who can pass up pizza? And no, not that kind of mud...the perfect cup o' java at the Mudhouse. Some of my personal favorite in town are the cheesy pies at South Avenue Pizza located on, what else, South Avenue. Just a few doors down is the charming caffeine hang-out pressed with Wi-Fi and all. This casual evening is perfect for spending time just getting to know each other. Total price: $20 for pizza and $10 for the mud.

#4. He's all hands
What a better way to exercise those fingers than finger foods and video games. Downtown's new Tapas and Wine Bar, Ophelia's, is a excellent change of pace and will bring you back for more. Just around the corner is a walk down memory lane to 1984. For just a $5 cover, you can have hours of unlimited play on some of the greats of arcade history. Pac Man is even projected on a big screen. Flirt a little by challenging her to a game. Total price: $40 for dinner and $10 for games.

#3. First Friday

The first Friday of each month, the Urban Districts Alliance hosts the First Friday Art Walk. This is a great opportunity to get familiar with downtown by walking through all the exhibits. As you walk hold her hand. She will appreciate the attention. Stop in for dinner at Hickok's Steakhouse for a run-in with the wild west. Total price: $45 for dinner.

#2. Take me out to the ball game

How can you beat America's great past time? This sports-themed date can be so much more than Sports Center or Sunday afternoon football. Start the night off at Historic Walnut Street's famed sports bar and grill, Ebbets Field. You don't have to be a Brooklyn Dodgers fan to enjoy this great Springfield eatery. Wear your red and be prepared to rub elbows with the Springfield fans next to you...what a better way to test out your date's social skills. Try the chips and salsa (some of the best in town). After dinner, walk three blocks to Hammons Field to cheer on the Redbirds. I would recommend getting chair backs but if you bring a good blanket then general admission will be just as good. Treat yourself to some peanuts or crackerjacks and don't forget to hug Louie. Total price: $25 for dinner and $10 for general admission or $24 for dugout boxes. If you don't mind the walk, then parking can be free.

#1. Laughs and lamb chops
And my number one choice...nothing makes a date more memorable than a night full of tear-jerking, foot-stomping, knee-slapping, pee-your-pants laughter. Jeff Jenkins and the crew at The Skinny Improv are sure not to disappoint. This downtown comedy show is one of a kind and is taking the city by storm. Show times are 7:30 and 10:00. Just down the street you can enjoy some great Greek cuisine at Riad. Get a seat out on the patio and don't be afraid to try something different. Talk to your waiter to get tips on what to try. Free public parking is just one block north of the restaurant. Total price: $35 for dinner and $24 for the show.

Can men and women be friends?

This question was raised in the 1989 film, When Harry Met Sally. Today we ask it again. Can men and women be friends? Here is my short answer. Yes...as long as they both realize and accept that the friendship will evolve as life circumstances change. We could leave it at that and move on to the next topic, but we would miss out on all of the good stuff that I know we really want to talk about anyway. So let me go ahead and give you my long answer.

When we say that a man and woman become friends, I think we are able to fit that friendship into three categories.

1. They are both attracted to each other
2. One is attracted to the other, but not both
3. Neither is attracted the other

Let me also further define what I mean by "attraction". For this purpose we are talking about physical attraction exclusively. We have already established that there is a friendship, so by definition we can assume that this couple enjoys each other's company and desires to spend time together. So now we can look at the affects that each of these categories has on the relationship.

1. If both are attracted to each other then there will almost always be that time when they "hook up". Sometimes this turns into the "friends with benefits". For whatever reason, the couple determines that they are better off as friends. This obviously creates issues within the relationship and boundaries will need to be defined as the friendship develops.

2. If only one is attracted to the other then there is great potential for that person to get hurt, even unintentionally. There will always be that remnant of hope that things could change within the relationship. More often than not, it won't change and the success of the relationship will be balanced on the no-nonsense communication that is shared.

3. If by chance neither person finds the other physically attractive, then the relationship is free to grow, void of the poisons of lust. I would venture to say that these are the relationships that are the healthiest and most carefree.

Having said all this...I think the most crucial part in the entire relationship is having the understanding that things will (and should) change as soon as one gets involved with another person. Again, I am talking about friendships that are more than just casual acquaintances. One of the most dangerous things in a dating or married relationship is jealousy. Your partner should be the one you choose to spend the most time with. He/she should be your top priority. In fact, I know many couples who have established boundaries within the relationship making time alone with someone from the opposite sex a no no. For them, it is not about lack of trust. Rather, it is about carefully guarding the relationship and strengthening the level of commitment to each other. I believe that those boundaries can only be defined by the couple. But I do believe that in most relationships, if not all, the opposite sex friendships have evolved into something new at this point.

For our friends, Harry and Sally...well, they realized that their friendship was all they needed in life. In fact, I don't think they could have lived without each other. Which reminds me...my friend John once said that to find someone who you could live with is one thing, but to find someone who you cannot live without...well, that is love.

filling in the gaps

Have you ever noticed that when you first meet someone you process everything you know about that person and then you fill in the gaps with what you hope they could be? Then slowly as you get to know them more, you replace those assumptions with actual characteristics. I think that is what makes meeting someone such an exciting experience, because for the first few moments, they can be the most exciting person you have ever met. More often than not, though, those gaps are filled quickly with unmet expectations and the adrenaline rush that you first felt fades into disappointment and soon becomes the dream that the perfect someone for you is still out there waiting to be discovered.

I think there are two types of people, the optimist who fills the gaps with hope, and the pessimist who fills the gaps with skepticism. Some people may say that the optimists are foolish, allowing themselves to be hurt and revealing too much of themselves. Some people may say that the pessimists are are cold, destroying the relationship with doubt before it ever has a chance to begin. I'm an optimist.

So what does this say about love? How do you know if someone you meet has the potential to steal your heart away? Maybe you know when the gaps keep getting filled with more and more favorable things. Maybe there is no way of knowing until it happens...until you wake up one morning and you say to yourself, "I want to grow old with this person." If I could predict that, then Hollywood would be paying me lots of money to bottle it and sell it on the big screen. I think there is hope inside all of us, optimist and pessimist alike. I think deep down inside beneath all the layers, everyone wants to hold onto the thought that there is someone out there whose gaps are never soured and whose presence fills your heart with joy. I think you have to put yourself out there and allow yourself to be revealed and to allow that other person to be exactly who they are. Not a remnant of your past where experience tarnished one of those gaps to be filled.

So until I wake up that one fine day, I'm going to hold on to the dream and let the gaps be filled with hope. How do you fill the gaps?

The one thing that every man needs most

I bet you thought I was going to say sex. While that is funny and probably a close second, that is not the thing that every man needs most. Any other guesses? The answer...respect. The number one thing you can do to show your man that you need him and that you value him is to respect him. Men operate based on the level of respect they are afforded. I liken it to a car that needs oil. Well lubed, everything fires on all cylinders. But let it get dry and things start to overheat and friction builds up.

Men are performance driven. Whether it is at home or at work, a man's self worth is measured by his success in life. While success can be defined in many different ways, one thing holds true. The feeling of success can be strengthened by the amount of support a man is given.

Men are, by design, made to be the leader in the family. In general, men are bigger, faster, stronger, louder, and most of the time more obnoxious than women. It is only natural that a man feels drawn to lead. This does not mean that women are unable to lead in the family, nor does it mean that a man should lead with force or with arrogance. I believe that a great leader is one who practices humility and who leads with a servant's heart (i.e. Jesus washing his disciples feet; and the level 5 leader as defined by Jim Collins in Good to Great). Rather, this means that it is only instinctive that men serve in a leadership role, and with that leadership the feeling of respect is needed.

So what does this mean to you women who are smarter, and probably more qualified, to lead in the family. That is harder to answer, but I would say that your job would start by learning how to equip your man to lead. Have you ever heard the saying, behind every great man there is a great woman. I know this is going to sound so typical, but let me use a football analogy. While the quarterback is the face man and leader of the team, he is certainly not the only valuable person on the team. If his receivers failed to run their routes, completions would not be made. If his linemen failed to block, he would never get a pass off. All other 10 positions on the field are equally important as the quarterback, and each position should be given 100% effort for the team to succeed.

To equip your leader, you must first respect him. By doing this, you are giving him the opportunity to earn that respect.

how to find a great guy - part 3

6. Always be honest

What is up with people who don't know how to be real, upfront, and honest about themselves! Let me tell you one way to absolutely lose that great guy...mislead him. Too many people like to play games. Great guys are no longer interested in games. They have reached that point of being comfortable in their own skin so they know exactly what they are looking for in life. The beginning of any relationship where trust is optional, is the beginning of the end.

It is important to understand that brutal honesty does not mean that you must have a perfect past to win him over. No one has a perfect past. The past is what we had to get through in order to be who we are today. A candid approach to our past establishes understanding and trust.

7. Try to avoid dating an old friend

The power of attraction goes a long way. I would say that 9 times out of 10, relationships are born out of immediate attraction. Now...there are certainly exceptions that trump this rule, such as in the case where the two of you were not single upon first meeting. However, I would say that most of the time if the sparks don't fly when you first meet someone then it will be harder to establish that connection after you have seasoned the friendship. It seems to me that you start to force the issue at this point. While it is true that you can have great guy friends, our interest here is not in finding great friends...it is finding that great guy that you can grow old with.

8. Know where to look

I bet you are expecting me to drop the bomb now. Is it at the library, at church, at my local coffee shop? Maybe at the committee meeting of super involved singles united dot com. The answer is none of these. If you set out looking for him, then you will be forcing it to happen. Your great guy is out there, but you will find him when you least expect it. How cliche does that sound? But if you really think about it...it's true. I learned a short time ago that you cannot will something to happen. Much of life is outside of our control. Oh I suppose that you can go to one of those online dating sites, but those places are just as full of desperate, impatient people as the real world. So what makes the cyber world any better?

You don't have to start turning over every stone you encounter. He is out there, and when you find him you will know...because you will be willing to turn your life upside down to be with him. And he will be willing to turn his life upside down to be with you.

how to find a great guy - part 2

To continue this thought, I will begin with point 2:

2. Know your network

Not only does this have to start with the successful implementation of point 1, be comfortable in your own skin, but it truly reinforces the application of it. Your network of friends, coworkers, family, etc...is your ticket to better odds. Imagine trying to do alone what 50 or more could do more effectively. These are the match-makers. And let's be honest, there are at least a dozen of your friends out there who would love nothing more than to set you up with that great guy. But how can they successfully do that, if you have not mastered step 1? Know who you are...and be who you are, at all times. You, your friends, and everyone else will know exactly who your match is (or at least get close trying). The odds are better, and the success is surely higher. However, I must admit that I have seen devastation occur in the match-making process. If this occurs then I would suggest re-evaluating your friends list.

3. Give a little of yourself to others

It is truly better to give than to receive. Why is this important and how is this relevant to finding that great guy? Everyone gravitates to givers. The takers and the givers both want to be around people who are generous towards others. It is this "others first and me last" mentality that draws people towards you. Practice it and master it.

4. Practice your kissing

Use your arm if you have to. The first kiss is the road map for how the rest of the relationship is going to go. Too sloppy suggests that you are out of control and have no real direction in life. Too aggressive warns him that you are overpowering and controlling. Too soft means that you lack desire or self confidence. Too short tells him that you lack passion and romance. But the right balance of sweetness and desire lets him know that passion will never be a problem in this relationship. The kiss is one of the most deliberate and intimate acts in romance.

5. Let him pay the bill

Sure, this is the 21st century and the age of women's lib. But men are still made out of the same mould. We are providers by nature. We come in all shapes and sizes, but every man has an innate desire to feel needed and to feel respected. Let him be that man, and show him how much you need him. I promise that greatness will follow.

how to find a great guy

I am beginning this thought without too much predetermined direction. Perhaps by the end, there will be some sort of coherent conclusion. It began with a conversation I was having with a friend who exclaimed that this town just didn't have an abundance of great guys to choose from. Her being single and well-established in life, I could sense the frustration in her voice. Being newly single myself and over 30 now, deep concern began to grow inside of me. Was she right?

Naturally, I would like to think that women would want to place me in that category of a great guy, at least that is what my mother raised me to be. So out of desperation to save what was being declared as a dying race, my survival instincts kicked in and I started building the case for myself and the hundreds of other great guys in Springfield.

Convinced that numbers wasn't the problem, the mathematician inside of me began to ask the why questions, and in a very cause and effect approach I landed on the thought, "maybe she (and others like her) just doesn't know where to look". Let me pause here for a second before I get myself in too much trouble. This conversation began in a very friendly environment and I afford nothing but respect to the women out there who might be reading this thought. I don't pretend to be an expert on this subject. But this is my blog...and so these are just my thoughts as they fall on the screen.

The first point that came to my mind was what I will call:

1. Be comfortable in your own skin

This is a phrase that I should credit to my friend John. He was talking to me when he said it, but it's relevance here seems to fit. Now, when talking about how to find a great guy, I would only assume that we are talking about finding the one that you can grow old with. So I think we can assume a lot of things based on that premise. In order to find that great relationship that fills your every thought with joy, I think you first have to start with yourself. To find your match, you must first know who you are and what you stand for. An analogy...as a daddy to a four-year-old, I can't tell you how many times I have played the Dora match game. You lay out all the cards face down and try to find all the matches. In order to find the match, you must first know what you are matching. In a relationship, if you do not know who you are first, then how can you expect to find your match? Trust me, the idea that you can change someone or that you will change for someone is not the best start to finding that great guy!

Insecurity and uncertainty can drive away any great guy. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who can walk confidently in the room and yet also maintain a balanced level of humility in the way she treats others. Insecurity can also leave those intimate and physical moments in a relationship soured with disappointment. Don't let that be the focus of your pillow talk.

The next part to this point I think is equally important. Hear me out on this one. Your great guy will not, and cannot fulfill every need that you possibly have or will have. He was not made to do that. That is why it is so important for you to be comfortable in your own skin. You have to be your own person...and let your relationship be the union of two distinct and yet very well balanced people. So finding a great guy does not mean finding a perfect guy. He does not exist! Don't put all of these unrealistic expectations on him that you yourself cannot fill. Learn to forgive his mistakes, and cherish the things he does well. I'm not trying to excuse the obvious here. But if you are focused on your purpose in life, then you will be less focused on his purpose in life...that is for him to decide. And let me say...with caution...that his purpose in life is not to fulfill your every need or desire. Now...any true gentleman will try to do this. It is our human nature to protect and provide for the ones we love. But the more that we can accept the fact that we alone cannot do this, the more time we will have to focus on the things that we can do.

I'm going to stop there for now. My next point another time. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. If it strikes a chord with you then send it to your friends and let me know what you are thinking.